Relationship Advice: When a Man Tells You He's Too Busy

I have become the de facto person that my friends turn to when it comes to relationship advice. I decided that I wanted to share some of the wisdom I've received from my mother with you (my readers). I had a sista write me for some advice on my other website and I decided to respond to her here because 'Black Girl Singular' is a more appropriate forum to discuss something like this instead of The Savvy Sista.

Here is what she wrote:

I really need advice! I met this guy in October on a dating site, we realized we both grew up in the same area...we both moved out of state and now live about 30 min from each other, having that in common was what first attracted us to each other, we talked online about a week, then text and phone another week, talked about EVERYTHING, he asked some serious, intense questions..hes ready to settle down, get married, prefers to be in a relationship opposed to dating for fun. We met and it was like we'd known each other for months...we both said it when we finally met...it went great, we ended up sleeping together. He asked me if we became serious if Id be willing to move..into his house, I have a child and we discussed step parenting. We talked another week, saw each other again, I stayed with him, he made me breakfast in the morning...we talked another 3 or so days then he got a little distant...I didn't see him the next weekend and I did ask him if everything was ok, he is a high school teacher..he took extra classes this yr for extra money and he also is a head coach for a winter sports team at the school that started the same week he got distant...he told me this is the busiest time of year for him and needs me to understand, he said its not a lack of interest but a lack of energy. Well, I have not seen him since the end of Oct. I asked again a few weeks ago if everything was ok since his texts were next to nothing unless I text first, then he'd answer..he said again he's exhausted, busy, he apologized for the timing several times. About a week ago I asked again only because I was afraid he was trying to spare my feelings! He said he barely has time for himself let alone anything else, again apologizes for bad timing, tells me he's not dating anyone else(he took down his online profile after we met) I asked if he wanted to pursue something with me if so I could be patient and he said he wants to but with the way things are going, it won't be until end of Jan when his schedule goes back to normal..so I told him I would wait, I wasn't going to pressure him and we'd talk or Whatever when he could until then, he said that was fair and again apologized and said he wished it was different. Still he doesn't initiate contact, we talked a week ago and I text him that I missed him about 4 days ago and got no reply...I've sent nothing else since. I want to believe he's genuine and honest and that if I'm patient until Jan something good will happen, I feel different about him, can't explain it. But am I totally crazy for going along with this? Is he just trying to ease out of it? Or is his life that hectic right now that he feels like he can't give anything in a relationship? Sorry so long! I wanted to be as detailed as possible, I really need to make a decision.

Here is my response:

Dearest Sista,

I can give you all the cliche' responses. I can tell you that you slept with him too early or that he got from you what he was seeking and chose to move on, but those types of responses are not going to mend your wounded heart and spirit. There are some things in life that I know to be true and one of those things is that a person will make time for what he/she wants to make time for. If Mr. Man considered you a valuable component within the grand scheme of his life, trust me, there is nothing short of an act of God that could keep him from making time for you. Trust me, no one is that busy.

As women (and I'm guilty of this too) we have a penchant for projecting our hopes and aspirations for a relationship upon a person even though they have not proven themselves worthy of our love and affection. Your womanly intuition is screaming to you that something is wrong with this situation, but instead of listening to her you are trying to suppress her voice because facing the reality that this may not be the man for you is too painful for you to face. So you rather PRETEND to be in the Land of Ignorance where bliss is bountifully, but the truth is you already know what is going on.

You should never have to put your life on hold to be happy. Life is dynamic---constantly moving and evolving. It cannot prosper when it's stagnant and put on pause. Do not wait for him. Love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of a man that will love you enough to make time for you. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve and will have better. Just LOVE yourself and continue to be the best mother that you can be because trust me there is a man out there for you, but first you need to love yourself in order to show him how to love you.

Don't let loneliness cause you to settle for a guy who is obviously not worthy of you. You deserve so much better, but I can't be the one to believe it. You have to believe it for yourself. Don't allow a person to take the spotlight in your life while you fade to the shadows. You deserve better.

Death to the Serial Monogamist

Ladies, if there is one thing I know for sure it's the fact that we are going about this dating thing all wrong. I'm serious. I'm pretty sure I might piss some people off with this one, but this is something that I've wanted to talk about for the longest time. Women have absolutely no clue how to date. This is one area that I can honestly say men do better then women. Men absolutely understand the concept of dating.

When it comes to the art of courtship, there are three stages. The stages are as follows: 1. Dating 2. Courting 3. Marriage

Here is how I define the stages:

Dating is that introductory stage where you are getting to know a person and trying to see whether or not the two of you are compatible enough to take it to the next level. You can do this with multiple people until you find a match. You know like Goldilocks. Consider this the 'Goldilocks Stage'. This is your chance to find that person that's 'Just Right'.

Courting on the otherhand is more serious. This is the point in which you have entered into a relationship with a person. This is the stage where monogamy should first be introduce. Courting is where you decide if marriage or some other strong commitment is a possibility.

Marriage ummm...seriously if you need a definition for this then you are most certainly in trouble.

Women, we have a problem with stage 1. We have a tendency to skip that stage altogether and go directly to stage 2. Instead of shopping around and getting to know people, we stop at the first man we meet and totally commit ourselves to him because we went out on a date with him maybe once or twice. Please don't act like I don't know what I'm talking about because you know I'm telling the truth. I'm just as guilty of this as you are.

You see, the world of dating is a scary thing to a lot of us and we act accordingly. This is the reason we try to stay out of it as much as possible instead of embracing the possibilities of dating. We'll rather take ourselves off the market then allow someone else to do it.

He's just dating you, but yet you're telling everybody he's your boyfriend. Sounds familiar? We do this all the time. He's seeing you as an option, but yet you are treating him as though he is a necessity.

Women, we have to learn how to date. There is nothing wrong with dating more than one man at a time. I know some women are just happy to have one man to date so the idea of dating multiples is a very foreign concept, but trust me you have to give it a try. It does not make you a slut to date more than one man. You have to let go of that conventional thinking and get your Grown Woman on. That is the whole point of dating.

Dating is about getting to know people and determining whether or not the two of you are compatible. It's about having fun without the pressure of a relationship. Listen, I've found the more men I've dated at one time the less likely I felt pressure to have sex with any of them because I had options. I'm not saying you should be juggling ten men, but I do think three is a good comfortable number (at least for me anyway).

We have to stop going from relationship to relationship and embrace the idea of being women who have options if we are willing to seek them out. We have to take back some of her power as women and once again feel empowered about the dating scene. Go and get your 'Dance Card' filled and once that one is filled just get you another one. Stop allowing society to make rules for you and make your own rules.

Anybody Who's Seen You Naked Should Not...

I'm going to use this moment to present a Public Service Announcement (PSA) to all my male friends out there (this may also be helpful to some women as well). This PSA is to keep you from making the mistake a lot of men I know have made that has really pissed off their ladies.

Anybody's who's seen you naked should not be sending you a text message saying 'Happy Birthday', 'Merry Christmas', or 'Happy Valentine's Day'. This is one of my, as well as many women I know, biggest pet peeves. I just don't understand the audacity of people to think that just sending you a text message on your birthday should suffice or count as acknowledgement. Getting text messages from associates is one thing, but it's another thing if it's coming from someone you consider a friend or someone who's actually seen you naked.

Don't get me wrong, I realize that some people will send text messages before they call you. That's okay. My problem is with people that think it's okay to send people text messages, Facebook shout outs, or tweets on important days. There has to be some etiquette in place. People don't talk to each other anymore as it is. How difficult is it to pick up a phone and dial someone's number and just say 'Merry Christmas'? If you value this person in your life then you can carve out some time to let them know. I've learned that people make time to do the things that they want to do. So make the time and acknowledge people that you care about.

I Wish 16 Year Old Me Could Meet 30 Year Old Me

Have you ever wished you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself?  Man, don't I wish I could do that exact thing.  I wish I could go back 14 years and have a sit down dinner with 16 year old me.  I'm sure we would talk about the obvious things first.  The conversation would probably go something like this:

 

16 year old me: Shut up!  A black man for real.

30 year old me: Yes, it's true a black man will become President in 2008 and his name really is Barack Obama.

 

16 year old me: I don't believe you!

30 year old me: 'I'm serious Michael Jackson is really gonna die in 2009...no seriously.  I wouldn't make that up I know how much you love him.

 

Then we would venture to some superficial things such as the fact I'm rocking bangs now which is something I swore I would never do or the fact that I actually learned how to apply make-up (properly).  I was a complete mess at 16.  I look at some pictures of myself and just cringe from the god-awfulness...LOL!!! 

 

I'll stay away from the details such as the deaths of my Uncle Mike in 2009 and my Aunt Lorraine in 2010.  And I definitely would stay away from the fact that my best friend Ron is going to be murdered in 2004.  Those three things would be a little too much for my 16 year old self to handle.  Hell, I can barely deal with them now so I wouldn't want to place that burden on the fragile shoulders of my 16 year old self.

 

Finally, we'll get to the purpose of my trip.  I'll tell my 16 year old self that all the things that seem massively important now are not going to be as important when she turns 30.  I'll tell her that time really will mend her broken heart.  She'll forever think about her first love, but eventually she'll get over him and be able to move on; besides, there are some wonderful men out there in the world and she is going to have the opportunity to meet a few of them.  People are going to talk about her because that is what 'street committee' does, but these things will not break her.  As a matter of fact it only makes her stronger and more determined.

 

I will share with her some of the 'things I know for sure' such as it's okay to forgive her father.  It's best she learn this lesson now instead of later on in life.  Forgiveness is not for the other person but rather it's for you.  Learning this will save her a lot of heartache in the future.

 

I will hug her tight and tell her that the person she is, is more and has always been more than enough and she should never allow others to make her question her worth.  I will tell her not to worry about when people say she is too sensitive because it is her sensitivity and compassion that transform her into the person she will become.

 

I will tell her that once she gets her heart broken it's okay to love again.  It may seem like an insurmountable obstacle at first, but as always she'll be able to conquer it.  She needs to know it's okay to open herself up to the possibility of love again.

 

In closing of my trip, I will share with her that it's okay to doubt herself at times, but it's important that she doesn't allow doubt to be her 'master'.  She is the architect of her fate and she'll turn out to be one hell of a woman if I do say so myself.

 

So, if you had a chance to go back in time and have a conversation with yourself what would you say? 

Are You In Love With A Ghost?

I know when you read the title of this article you were probably trying to figure out where I'm going with this, but please bear with me.  I promise I'm not on some sci-fi or supernatural kick, but rather I have something to say that I think would be beneficial to someone other than myself.

 

About eight years ago I had a very enlightening conversation with my estranged father.  He had never really played an integral role in my life, and I felt the time had come that I needed to forgive him.  I didn't want to forgive him for his sake, but rather I needed to forgive him for my sake (you can say I was a pretty enlightened 22 year old to have come up with this all on my own).  I had learned the power of forgiveness very early in my life and for this is I am very grateful. 

 

He and I began to talk and I told him that I forgave him for not being in my life and I understood why he decided to drop out.  You can imagine how surprised he was when I said I understood.  I told him I understood that the reason he dropped off was that he wanted to prove to my mother that she couldn't do it on her own and that she needed him (boy, he really didn't know my mom).  He thought that if she realized she couldn't do it on her own that she would come back to him and they would be a family all over again, but that's not the way it happened.  Not only did my mother prove she could do it on her own, but she even married someone else.  So his plan backfired and he felt there was no reason to try because he was no longer needed by her; never mind he had children, but the fact that she didn't need him was the only thing that concerned him.

 

You see too that very day my father was still in love with my mother (at least this is what he claimed) and somewhere deep inside of him he still harbored a belief that one day they would get back together.  So, I asked him how could he be in love with my mother and he doesn't even know her.  I couldn't see his face because we were talking over the phone, but I'm sure he probably look at the receiver as though I was talking crazy and had completely lost my mind.  How in the world could he not know my mother, he was probably thinking.  He had two kids with her so of course he must know her, but I had to pose the question to him again.  "How can you love someone you don't even know?"

 

"I don't understand what you're saying."  He replied.

 

"I'm saying the person you're in love with no longer exists.  The Iris you fell in love with all those years ago is not the Iris that she is today.  You are in love with a ghost."

 

It didn't take him long to realize what I was saying to him.  He got it immediately.  He was in love with a woman the way she was 15 to 20 years ago.  Although she appeared to be the same on the outside, life experiences had made her into someone completely different.  This different person was someone he did not know, but yet he still thought he was in love with her even though the she he was in love with no longer existed.

 

This brings me to today.  I was having a conversation with one of my coworkers and she was telling me how in her heart she was still holding out hope that her ex-husband would come back to her and they would be a family again.  Although he had an affair and had gotten another woman pregnant, she still was in love with him.  Now, I respect the fact that she still had love for this man because after all he was the father of her three kids, but sometimes love really isn't enough.  This is the same man that told her that he never wanted to be married in the first place.

 

So, I asked her which Derek* was she in love with and once again the confusion came.  Of course she told me she didn't understand the question, so I had to break it down for her.  She told me she was in love with the old Derek because the way he was with this new woman was not the way he was when he was with her.  So, I asked her was she in love with the guy that said he never wanted to be married or whether or not she was in love with the guy that said he never stopped cheating.  Or how about the guy that brought home a baby from someone else.  Was she in love with that guy?  She shook her head and said no.  Of course she wasn't in love with that part of him, but she was in love with the father of her kids.

 

I told her that the man she was in love with no longer exist and probably never existed.  The man that he is today is not the man she fell in love with seventeen years ago and she isn't the same woman he was with either.  Now, that's not to say that they couldn't be together again if that was the way fate would have it, but that she shouldn't expect everything to be the same between them because they both had changed as people.  In order to make things work today, they would have to get to know each other as the people that they are today and not this apparition of what they use to be. 

 

A lot of us are victims of being in love with ghosts.  We continue to harbor feelings for past loves and hold out faith that maybe one day we'll be reunited with that person, but that isn't enough.  You can't love people for the way they use to be, but rather you have to love people for who they are today.  Human beings are constantly evolving (or devolving in certain cases) and changing.  It is these changes that keep us interesting.

 

Now, this isn't to say that you can't reminisce on a former love or take solace in a memory, but rather you should live in the present and enjoy the moment for what it is.  Love people for who they are and not who you hope they would be.  When you can't honor a person for who they are now you do a disservice to them and to yourself.

 

 

* Names have been changed to protect the identities of subjects.

My 'Unicorn'

This site is about my own personal journey. So in my writing about my journey I'm going to be introducing my own personal sayings. These are just some of the sayings that my girlfriends and I come up with to describe certain things. The first saying I want to introduce is that of 'Unicorn.'

The 'Unicorn' is a mythological creature that your mom always warned you about and the man your father told you would make you forget everything he ever taught you about men. Yep, the Unicorn is a man. He is the man that gives you the best sex you ever had. I'm talking about he's great at everything. The man knows how to make you climb walls, but in the end you know there is no possible way you can have a future with this man, but the loving is so good it's damn near impossible to get him out of your system. I'm talking about the man that knows your body better than you do. The man that teaches you something about yourself that you never knew. Yeah, that man.

The 'Unicorn' is the man that will never be your husband, but the truth of the matter is you really don't want him to be your husband. He is the man that women fight over. I never could understand why a woman would fight over a man until I ran across my 'Unicorn.' Not that I'm endorsing violence of any form, and I definitely will not ever co-sign fighting over a man, but I can say I completely understand.

It's just something about this man that makes you lose all of your common sense. All the things you've learned throughout life goes out the window when you encounter this man. Trust me, I've been there. My 'Unicorn' had me straight stupid. I can look back on some of things I've done and just wish I could go back in time and slap the hell out of myself.

But at the end of the day, I don't regret my experience with him at all. After all, it was definitely the best I ever had.

My Apology...

I want to take this time and apologize to the one person I seem to always find a way to hurt the most. I've been thinking for a long time about what I would actually say once I got up the nerve to utter the words, "I'm sorry." I had to be sure that it didn't come across as some cliche' filled speech that sound like I practiced it in the mirror a couple hundred times, but rather it was something sincere that genuinely came from the heart. So here it is---My Apology to myself.

First, let me start by telling you that I love you more than anything in this world. I know that I don't show it as often as I should, but please believe me when I say it because I honestly do mean it. I love you. You are the most important person to me and I thought it was about time that I showed you by first apologizing to you for all the hateful things I've done to you.

I want to apologize for all those bad relationships I got you caught up in. I want to apologize for *Adrian, Charles, J.T., Ronald, Corey, and George. Especially George. My instincts always told me something wasn't right, but instead of listening I just allowed you to enter a situation that I knew was a disaster from the beginning. I knew you deserved better, but yet I was so blinded by my own selfish needs that I allowed you to become collateral damage in my pursuit for love and happiness. I hurt you over and over again and never once did I hold myself accountable for the role that I played in your sadness. I never had the courage to accept some of the blame.

I apologize for the times that I didn't appreciate your beauty or when I ignored your glorious smile. I apologize for always comparing you to the next woman instead of appreciating your uniqueness and the brilliance that is your mind. I apologize for spending most of my time focusing on your weaknesses than on your strengths. Somehow I always managed to place a spotlight on your shortcomings instead of uplifting your achievements.

I apologize for all the times I thought you weren't good enough when the truth of the matter is that you are more than enough. For tearing you down when I should have been building you up. I'm sorry for all the self inflicted wounds I delivered. For this I truly am sorry. I've hurt you so many times that honestly I may not be worthy of your forgiveness, but I have to try anyway.

I need us to start anew and hopefully wash the slate clean. I know this might not be the easiest thing for you to do, but I honestly hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I promise to do better and be better to you and for you. I promise to give this relationship my all and do everything within my power to protect you. I promise to be a better me so hopefully that means you can be a better you.

I'm Sorry...

*Names have been changed to protect individuals' indentities.